The Annual Iowa State Fair: AKA Hypertension on a Stick

Next week, Dona is off to the Iowa State Fair with some of her Junior League friends. More than a million people are expected to attend, which makes me kind of glad I am staying behind. But I may miss the smorgasbord. Last night she showed me the fair’s official app, which, among other highlights, lists all the foods available.

There are hundreds of varieties, no surprise. I remember thinking if I had the fry oil concession for this shindig I could retire at the end of the month. Or just the wooden stick concession—there is a separate list just for the foods on a stick.

There’s no way to encompass all the items available for consumption, but here’s a small sampling of some of the more esoteric items to give you an idea. I’m leaving out the more obvious choices, like the eight types of ice cream, the 14 kinds of hamburger, and the 27 varieties of corn products. Thanks to the Des Moines Register for posting these, and all kinds of fair info. (Comments mine, of course.)

• All Iowa Belly Up Burger
• Apple Eggrolls (no way)
• Apple Taco (way)
• Bacon Pancake Dippers
• Beef Sundae
• Bologna on-a-stick (My ancestors are probably spinning in their mortadella coffins.)
• Breakfast Sausage in a Waffle on-a-stick
• Caprese Salad on-a-stick (I only want to know how they get it to stay.)
• Cheddar Bacon Cheese on-a-stick
• Coconut Mountain on-a-stick
  
• Cookie Dough Spaghetti (With red dye 40 for the sauce, I presume.)
• Deep Fried Pecan Pie on-a-stick
• Deep-fried Brownie on-a-stick
• Deep-fried Pickle Spears on-a-stick
• Deep-fried Pineapple on-a-stick
• Deep-fried Snickers on-a-stick
• Deep-fried Twinkie on-a-stick
• Duck Bacon Wonton
• Fresh Fruit (How did this one sneak in? Must be those darn liberals.)
• Italian Bacon Wrap on-a-stick (because apparently Iowans have never heard of pancetta)
• Maple Bacon Ice Cream
• Muddy Pig on-a-stick
• Pork (Chop/Loin/Pulled)
• Pork Belly Burnt Ends
• Pork Belly Burnt Ends Poutine (That there’s the fancy French version with French fries, cheese curds, and topped with brown gravy. And it’s a better name than Barf on-a-stick.)
• Pork Belly on-a-stick
• Pork Chop on-a-stick
• Pork, Iowa’s Big Pork Leg
• Pork Almighty (Located near one of the many defibrillator booths, for attendee safety.)
• Portobello Strips on-a-stick
• The Slopper (After all the above, I don’t want to know.)
• Three Little Pigs
• Ultimate Bacon Brisket Grilled Cheese (They really don’t need the “ultimate” part, now do they?)
• Walking Taco (You chase this one down, ’cause you got to get some exercise…)
• Walking Tacos WDM (Just a guess here, but WDM could mean Weaponized Destructive Meat.)
• Zombie Cones (Made with real zombie?)

With all this stuff available I’ve planed ahead for Dona’s return by pre-ordering some clothes that are a couple of sizes bigger than what she’ll leave with. I’m a thoughtful husband, after all.